Many years ago, when I was serving a small rural church, there was a delightful elderly couple (names removed out of respect) who’d been members of the church since before it had indoor plumbing. They were very independent and beloved by everyone in the community. The only challenge with this couple was the fact that it seemed as though the husband had a mouse living in each of his ears!
Of course there were not really mice living on this man, but the amount of ear hair he had growing looked like a forest. His wife had cut his hair for decades and always had done a good job; however, now that they were in their late 80s their vision wasn’t what it used to be. They didn’t notice the excessive ear hair and though everyone else did, no one wanted to say anything to them out of fear that they might embarrass them.
While the “good intention” of not saying anything to embarrass them sounded nice, the reality was that people still snickered at them because of this situation. It was a known, “inside joke” that at best helped people deflect their sadness at the knowledge this couple was nearing the ending of their time on earth, but this “joke” still placed them in a position of derision. True love is not merely patting someone on the back and telling them how great they are even if this isn’t the truth. True love is speaking, out of a position of love and respect, and being honest for the other person’s betterment.
In the New Testament (Matthew 18:15-17), instruction is given on how to handle a person who is operating outside the bounds of the community. Highlights include acting out of love toward the other, going to them privately, bringing someone else with you in case they do not change, and then, as a last resort, taking the issue before the whole congregation.
The ear hair issue was not a disruption in the community but could have been better handled through loving honesty. Instead of commenting on the internet, talking about them to others, or allowing bitterness to ferment, challenges we face with others can best be handled by directly addressing them and the issue. Will this always resolve the issue? No, but it has a much higher success rate than any of the alternatives. If it is a “deep” issue, there is nothing wrong with getting someone to help you address this person and the situation. Far better to be pro-active and take positive actions with a goal of establishing or re-establishing connection with the offending party than to merely complain about it with a fleeting hope that they will magically change what they are doing.
–CHDKB